No matter how I try, I still can't escape My January Blues.
I really wished my first personal update would be something inspiring and uplifting. You know, something like how I survived the Christmas food indulgence or the joy of finally launching the blog. But this section of my site is for me to be Brazen and honest about everything. So let me share with your ‘My January Blues’.
Despite the fact that I launched the blog, finished reading one book from my 2020 list and continued to workout; weeks into the new year I felt like shit! Blinded by my confidence and excitement of what this year would bring, I overlooked a key aspect of myself… I DISLIKE WINTER!
The funny thing is, this happens every year – without fail. At some point during the winter season I get a wave of sad feelings that turn my energy upside down. And each year I fail to protect myself. This time it seemed like it came out of the blue (as it always does), but I know it had been brewing for a while.
You see, I’m a summer baby – sun and hot weather is my ‘life force’. I am the most productive, loving, happy and fun person during the bright weather season. So you’d think after 43 years I would know how this time of year affects me and how to preempt it. However, I’ve been so excited for this new decade and started the first few weeks on a relative high, that I thought I had the January Blues beat.
Now that I’m deep in the blues, I can see that actually all the signs where there. Yes I kept up with my exercise routine, however I’ve literally been cursing my way out of bed in the morning to workout. Who the hell wants to get up before 5.30am in the darkness – defo not me.
I just could not shake the internal voice in my head constantly saying ‘I hate winter, I hate dark mornings, I hate the cold’. Sounds ridiculous as I write it, but that is my internal dialogue. And soon enough my dialogue became my emotions and my mood.
Do you know the saying ‘misery loves company’? Well soon enough misery invited her whole gang to come and party in my head. They were having a hell of a time trying to encourage me to forgot about working out, completing things on my to do list and following my daily routines. I was just about making it through each day ignoring the dis-empowering thoughts by using Mel Robbins 5-4-3-2-1-action technic and then…
..can you believe it – my f*cking period came!!
Well that was it. The camels back was broken. It was all over at that point. And so proceeded a four day fully loaded 90s rave in my head. ‘Misery’ invited ‘self-doubt’, who in turn extended the invitation to ‘procrastination’, ‘gluttony’ and my worse house guest of all ‘imposter syndrome’. All enjoying the free bar.
The morning after my period started;
Did I wake up and curse myself to get up and exercise?
Hell No! I hit the snooze button and went right back to bed.
I’ve worked really hard to preempt my hormone and mood changes leading up to, during and after my period. As I know it can send me into a really negative mindset and throw me off course. However, with all my focus on loathing the darkness and cold, I didn’t prep my mind for the monthly hormone change.
Did I feel bad about letting myself down. Again – hell no! “I’m on my period and I don’t like winter!” That’s where I was at. I didn’t give a rats ass for all the mindset hacks and processes I had developed over the years. I was deep in my story of having the January Blues – and I was enjoying it. lol
It gave me the excuse to not workout for four days straight, not complete anything on my to-do list, watch TV and procrastinate on my phone. How wonderful!
All the while I was functioning on the outside as if I was not suffering the effects of the party in my head. Going to work, getting things done, interacting with my family and friends. The only thing I was failing at was all the promises I had made to myself!
By the evening of the forth day, imposter syndrome was starting to take over the playlist. She cranked up the volume of her music and proceeded to sing out to tell me I was a fraud. “Who the hell is going to listen to what you have to say. No one is interested in your journey. Stop with his blogging shit idea and just stay in your lane”.
The reality of my self-sabotage had finally hit me.
Have you ever been moving forward in all your goals and then suddenly your inner voice screams – ‘Who do you think you are?’ Fear then creeps in and you find an excuse to halt your progress. Well that was basically me. I knew I was feeling fearful with this new blogging chapter of my journey. Coupled with my loathing for winter and my period coming right in the struggle, it gave me the excuse to wallow in the fear.
I have always subscribed to the notion of ‘feel the fear, but do it anyway’, but once you take action, you need something to ward off the inevitable waves of fear while you are still moving towards what you’ve already started. I needed something to shift my state in order to shift my mood.
I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t have to search very far. In fact I knew exactly where to go. You see, this is not my first rodeo! I just thought by now I’d not fall off the horse so easily.
What was my first step? Yep you guessed it. MUSIC!
As you know from My Vogue Inspired 73 Questions one of the things I can’t live without is music. Ages ago I created a playlist on you tube called – ‘Change My Mood’. It’s funny, as I knew it was always there. Even at the start of me beginning to feel low. But somehow I avoided seeking it as if my subconscious brain had already decided it was taking me down.
And who did I find first on my list to shake the monkey off my back – no other than the Queen of Hip Hop Soul – Ms Mary J Blidge.
I had this tune on repeat! Dancing around the house shouting out her lyrics, “no time for mopping around – are you kidding, and no time for negative vibes – cause I’m winning”. I caught a vibe and for 30 minutes I listened to my playlist and sang and danced louder than the voices of my fear.
Did it completely cure my 2020 January Blues? No. (I think this is something I will encounter every year.) But it did change my state for the rest of that evening and temporarily evict the unwanted pary guests in my head.
And here I am writing this post Saturday evening on the next day. Letting you know that I did indeed wake up with a smile on my face AND complete a workout. Why was I smiling? Because I changed my Value Rules to make it easy for me to feel good!
Knowing that I failed myself for four days strong, I did not set my alarm to wake me up at 5,30am as I would normally on a Saturday. Instead I woke up later and the sun was already up – winning!
In order to get myself through the rest of January, I have consciously decided to listen to my playlist everyday for the rest of the month. I have actually set an alarm on my phone that says ‘playlist’ because I can not rely on my own motivation to do it. It’s a simple way to stay in the emotional state I want to be in and hopefully it will get me through the pain of my January Blues.
Wish me luck.x